Why are my personal values so important to my relationships?

The most important relationship you will ever have, is the relationship with yourself – and your personal values are what drives that relationship.

Our value system is far more integral to our everyday life than you may realize. For example:

  • It’s what drives our decision making
  • It’s how our brain registers whether we’re feeling good or feeling uneasy
  • Your ‘intuition’ comes from your whether our values are being met or not
  • Values being met instinctively tells us that we’re happy
  • Values being unfulfilled instinctively tells us that we’re sad

And that’s just for starters!

You see, having worked with thousands of individuals over the last twenty years in personal conflict resolution and organisational behaviour based workshops for companies like Virgin Blue, Sarina Russo, Shell, Motorola, IBM and The US Air Force – and countless couples and individuals in one-on-one coaching and through The Happy Test (link) there’s one thing that I’ve seen time and time again…

No matter what your age, religion, background or occupation, if your personal values are not being fulfilled in a partner or relationship, you will be unhappy.

This article serves to explain why personal values are the guiding force behind all of our relationships, and how you can uncover your values and start living your happiest life.

I’m going to start by asking you a question:

Why are my personal values so important

Do you know what makes you happy?

Now you might answer this question quickly, knowing that running every morning, two holidays a year, Sunday drives with your partner and a bonus every Christmas makes you happy.

What you’re really saying is that….

Time for health and exercise, relaxation where you can unwind, quality time with your partner and recognition of hard work is really what makes you happy.

If you’re trying to answer this question and coming up trumps, it’s alright – you’re not alone. Unsurprisingly, a lot of us aren’t sure what makes us happy because we’ve never taken the time to really think about and ask ourselves the right value-based questions.

The trouble we run into this… If you’re unclear or unsure as to what makes you happy – how can you ever achieve it? 

  • How can you be happy in your life?
  • How can your partner make you happy?
  • How can your job make you happy?
  • How can any relationship make you happy?

Why are my personal values so important

You see – it must start with you.

For example, if you discover that “AUTHENTICITY” is a core value of yours, here’s what can happen when it is fulfilled or unfulfilled in your relationship:

Fulfilled: Being authentic means the demonstration of one’s truth. When you feel someone is authentic you can trust them and rely on them and know that their intentions are exactly what they show themselves to be.

Unfulfilled: With a lack of authenticity, there is a lack of trust. When you do not trust, the relationship is in a state of deterioration and just requires an unacceptable level to destroy it. Basically, when there is no trust you have nothing!

Or, if you discover that “KINDNESS” is one of your core values, here’s what can happen when it is fulfilled or unfulfilled in your relationship:


When kindness is present in a relationship, you can tell that your partner is compassionate, can put him or herself in your position and understand your emotions and your feelings. Kindness lets partners communicate and confide in each other with confidence.


When kindness is lacking it sends signals of an uncaring or inconsiderate attitude, usually backed up by self oriented behaviours. Where kindness is not offered or perceived by a partner, it causes you to question ‘why be associated with someone who does not care?’

So, when you discover your values, you can discover more about yourself, why certain behaviours and traits in your partner make you feel happy or sad, and learn how to powerfully move forward in all your relationships.


Why are my personal values so important

An eye-opening test that will give you personal results on what values are currently unfulfilled in your own relationships is The Happy Test.

It takes approximately 7 minutes, you receive your personalised results immediately, and it could be the starting point for you to discuss with your partner why it is you’re feeling a certain way.

After taking The Happy Test followed by some one-on-one coaching, here’s what a client had to say:

“We never understood the real causes of our constant bickering until Des explained and outlined our important individual standards that we had and how we were not having them met. Our perspectives about love were challenged as well as how we went about expressing our love. We understand now that expressing love our way, doesn’t mean our partner will actually experience love the way we had hoped. Amazing!”

Go here now to take The Happy Test.

Until next time,


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