If you’re in a constant state of worry and telling your best friend “I’m really afraid they’ll leave me!” you are the one making yourself miserable and need to take action and stop asking others for their advice. You are the one in the relationship not them.
If you’re in a state of anxiety and agitated and stressed you’re also probably not thinking straight). So here are 5 go-to moves that you can use immediately when you’re feeling as though your relationship is on shaky ground.
It’s a tough and stressful time for sure – but these tips will help you gain clarity and act with a clear head and heart.
#1 – Ask Yourself Why
Usually when you feel your partner is turning away from you, it’s because they’ve demonstrated actions that are unusual to their behaviour – and that sets off warning signals! If you have a sinking feeling your partner is leaving you, it can alter the way you communicate and act (manifesting in some intense emotions) which can exacerbate the situation.
So before you act irrationally and create a situation that is hard to recover from, try to calmly think about these questions:
- Has the relationship recently suffered a setback?
- Are you or your partner letting other stresses in your life get in the way of your communication?
- Are either you or your partner going through a time a change?
- Have you been drifting apart for a while but you haven’t wanted to admit it?
- Are you and your partner’s values not in alignment?
- Are there some big issues you and your partner have been ignoring?
- Are either you or your partner unclear in the commitment level (you’re not sure where the relationship is heading?)
Once you start answering some of these questions you can logically uncover a few reasons why you might be feeling as though your relationship is on shaky ground.
Also think about exactly WHY you are feeling that they are halfway out the door. Are you feeling undervalued? Unappreciated? Disrespected? Do you have unfulfilled values?
By getting in touch with your feelings, you can then approach your partner to try and find a resolution.
# 2 – Listen to Your Instincts
On some level you probably already know why you feel your partner is pulling away from you. Have an honest conversation and listen to your gut – science says your instincts are probably on point.
Pamela Georgette, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist says: “This “gut feeling” or intuition actually has physiological basis. Our brain and our gut originate from the same tissue and remain connected by the vagus nerve. They are communicating in the subconscious and sending information to our conscious.”
Listen to what your instincts tell you and think about whether you are you operating from a place of fear? Are you afraid of being alone? Of the relationship failing and you starting all over again with someone new? Of being replaced by someone else in your partner’s life? Be not having anyone to hang out with and love? And are you projecting all these feelings onto your partner?
Whether your instincts are telling you where your feelings are coming from – you need to talk through some issues with your partner!
# 3 – Reconnecting and Recommitting
Sometimes we can lose our sense of self identity in a relationship. So when you are feeling as though the relationship isn’t stable, the first stage is reconnecting with yourself and asking the questions:
- Does this relationship add happiness and joy to my life?
- Is this relationship the best thing for me?
- Am I committed to making this relationship successful?
- Am I reacting from a place of fear and not being realistic?
Think about these questions and be really honest with yourself. You must know your driving factors and your intentions before you can begin to speak with your partner about theirs! That way, you’re taking ownership for your decisions and your actions.
When you’ve answered the questions and you know that you want to try really hard with your partner to get back to a place of happiness – or you know the relationship has run its course and you need to move on, then you can recommit to your decision to be with you partner.
As Psychotherapist Terri Cole says: “If two people are willing to work on a relationship, there isn’t much that can stop their success.”
If you’re really brave, you can ask your partner to think about the same questions. When both of you can recommit and plan together for a long lasting, happy relationship then you will feel more confident that they will not leave you.
# 4 – Communicate
Dr. John Grohol, Founder & CEO of Psych Central says about communication in a relationship: “It means opening yourself up to possible hurt and disappointment. But it also means opening yourself up to the full potential of all a relationship can be.”
Although these conversations can sometimes be uncomfortable and bring up some negativity – being honest and talking about everything you’re both feeling can save hours of stress and tears, and potentially lead to a much happier and more fulfilled relationship.
When you know exactly what you’re feeling, and why you’re feeling it – then you can have an honest conversation and let go of some of the fear and stress you’ve been holding onto. Now this conversation is going to result in them either telling you why your fears are not warranted and they are still committed to you, or if your fears are accurate.
Even if your partner tells you everything is fine and that you don’t have to worry about anything – that feeling of instability and insecurity is coming from somewhere and you must talk about it and work through it to feel safe and secure.
#5 – Personal Growth
We are all in a constant state of personal growth, becoming the next version of ourselves. Sometimes we can change, grow and develop at a different stage than our partner – and when it becomes obvious that maybe our goals, desires and values have evolved, the relationship needs to catch up.
If your partner has gone through some rapid change and development (maybe they’ve got a new job, new set of friends, started in a social or fitness group) and you feel as though you’re left behind, let them know. Have a conversation about the changes that have happened and how you both fit into this “new look” life.
If your partner is changing, it doesn’t mean they will leave you just because they’re becoming the next version of themselves. Think about your own personal growth and what you can do to continue your own path of self-discovery, learning and development. Better yet, think about activities you can do together!
There you have it – 5 go-to moves to use when you feel your relationship is off balance and your instincts are telling you something isn’t right! Joyce Brothers said: “Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling.” And when you’re feeling as though you’re relationship is unstable, there is no better time to be honest with each other, but you must be honest with yourself first!An eye-opening test that will give you personal results on what values are currently unfulfilled in your own relationship is The Happy Test. It takes approximately 7 minutes, you receive your personalised results immediately, and it could be the starting point for you to discuss with your partner why it is you’re feeling a certain way.
Whether the relationship dissolves, or you recommit and work through your issues – the outcome you’re aiming for is that you and your partner are respecting each other, and that you’re both being completely honest with each other. Then you can move forward together positively.